THE LEPRECHAUN OF MOBILE, ALIncase you haven't heard, there's a leprechaun in Mobile and it has been making waves across the nation. Living in Mobile has grown into a sense of dispair, as you see the town you live in aired across the country with a freakin leprechaun story... the Chrichton leprecahau.. News Article | Video | Music Video "I want da gold" Maybe it's not that big of a deal, but I'm pretty sure that there are no leprechauns, and probably not any African-American leprechauns, since they're supposedly from Ireland. Then again, this is Mobile, and if there were a leprechaun, then there's a fifty-fifty chance it's white or black. Like the lady in the video says, it's probably another crack head. On sale at eBay, the artist sketch of the creature eerily resembles everything but a leprechaun. (Sold for $1,100) I'm really leaning toward one piece of evidence that has surfaced in Arizona which may be the only proof of such a being, for what other "human" has the physical capabilities of raping a poodle?  
Resembling absolutely nothing, this sketch of the Chrichton Leprechaun is absolutely remarkable. Click on the WPMI news team above to view a video of the original newscast and then watch the music video. The Real Truth and PrioritiesTo be spankfully honest, between work and other things going on after work, the amount of time I am able to allot to my website in the fall season is quite limited. Furthermore, the percentage of time spent on the site as a whole when I am working on it is reduced, mainly due to the massive amount of energy I spend on the Auburn Football section. With statistics and stories and other jargon to do every few days, I have little desire to update many of the "mundane" stories that pertain to the normal world. So, until my weekly cycles change from 3-days off from the website (Friday = no no; Saturday = debauchery and Auburn football; Sunday = recovery from Saturday and lingering Friday), I will be taking somewhat of a break from the food, music, personal, and news sections of the site ... or so I say. Other than that, I do encourage you to spend your personal time following various types of football over the next few months, and most especially Auburn football. In the world, we are still dealing with psychotic, radical Muslims that just won't conform with the rest of the peaceful Nation of Islam. Not only can they not take a joke (check out the Pope), but I seriously doubt they caught the Auburn defense shut down LSU. Either way, there's a serious cranium problem with those that spend their life hating others who don't really hate you, irrationally chanting in the street about everything, and hurting people who have done nothing to hurt you. Wait, that sounds like being a die hard college football fan, sort of. Except for the hurting part, which may still happen due to various flying objects at another's face. Thanks Marshall. 
Auburn Tigers football is in full swing, and as of now, Auburn is 3-0, just coming off of a huge defensive win against the LSU Tigers. Pictured above is the best punter in the nation, Kody Bliss, who has been so pivotal in the field position game for Auburn. 
What are they so jealous of? Auburn's defense? I doubt it. Most likely it's something really important, such as America. Jealousy breeds contempt. I'll take trees over sand anyday. Thus FarThus far, this has been quite a disappointing hurricane season. No one wants to see lives lost and property damaged, but it's still awesome to see a massive storm about to crash into the gulf coast. Actually, there are a couple of other factors fueling this desire for the first real storm of 2006. First of all, I will get to miss work for a few days. Not that there's anything wrong with my job, it's just more fun not to work. Secondly, there are about a thousand cans of beans and corn in my pantry that are not going to get eaten until the time comes to eat non-perishable goods. The time for that is now. At this time last year, we had already reached "I", with Hurricane Irene and had seen two major hurricanes. In a record year that produced more named storms than any other year record, 2005 posted six major hurricanes and three bad boys (Katrina, Rita, Wilma). 2005 was a big year. It's already August 5, and so far this year we have only reached the name "Chris" without a real hurricane to speak of. Yes, this is a good thing, but a boring thing, and I have lost most hope of seeing anything close to the slew of monster storms we saw last year. I just pray the karma of this article is minimal, and I won't be personally hit by a hurricane sometime in the next few months for my insensitive and greedy writing. 
CANSECO IS BACK!The moment we've all been waiting for has finally arrived ... Jose Canseco is back. That's right, the real OG is back for more, ready to pump fear into minor league pitchers as a new player for the San Diego Surf Dawgs. Even more fear will cast if he is to make his long-anticipated return to the pitchers mound. Hope his arm doesn't break off like it nearly did last time he tried it. Too bad Canseco completely fell off into the deep end after his steroid confessions and steroid blamings, which of course followed years of silly charades as a pitcher and whatever else. There was a time when he was the shiznit, and everyone was watching, including an eight-year-old boy named Eric (myself). I liked Canseco so much that I even got the commemorative 40-40 season Canseco booklet complete with 40 cards and like an 8-inch vynil record. I don't know where that record is now, but I wish I did. Of course, now I know that the favorite player of my childhood was on steroids the whole time, which probably has a little something to do with his success. And I really don't care. Seriously, I just don't really care about baseball anymore, and really haven't since the year that McGwire and Sosa were hitting 70 home runs or whatever. On a side note, I forgot how many teams he played for, starting with the A's, then the Rangers, Red Sox, Blue Jays, Devil Rays, Yankees, and then finally the White Sox. He hit 462 home runs with those teams over his 17-year career. Maybe if had never been juiced, he would have had less injuries, more overall success and still be playing... who knows.  
I Am Jose Canseco FORMER CHILD CAMEL JOCKEYSThough this story may be out of my realm, I thought you might want to know about the serious Middle Eastern problem concerning child camel jockeys. Recently, there has been a crack down on children being used to jockey camels during races, as many of these child jockeys are kidnapped from their families and trafficked to other Middle Eastern countries to dominate other child camel jockeys in the infamous camel races. It appears that the only country to be taking evasive measures is the United Arab Emerites, who has set up a safe haven and school for Former Child Camel Jockeys. Or that's atleast what they say. This really isn't funny, but that name is priceless and will most likely be a famous name of a band here pretty soon. The concept over there is the same as it is here: the lighter the jockey the better the chance for your camel to win the race. Except one big difference... we don't seem to have an issue with kidnapped and trafficked children winning the Kentucky Derby. So what they have begin doing in the UAE is using robots as their jockeys. No kidding... robots. It really is a form of slavery, and ranks right up there with other forms of trafficking, as the children are taken away from their families and forced to work with these stupid camel racing masters. 
Child camel jockeys are a huge problem in the Middle East, as they are basically slaves of the trade, kidnapped and trafficked for exciting racing camels. This jockey must have won big, showing off his Chicago Bulls towel (used as saddle or mat). Problems exist in UAE, Oman, Qatar, Saudi Arabia and others. They have recently began using robots. THE MAGIC BULLETNormally such an article would be reserved for the food section of this site, but I wanted everyone to know just how much you will use the Magic Bullet if you have one. If you're like me and make a lot of sauces, the Magic Bullet is the appliance for you. If you need margaritas or any sort of smoothie-type drink, then get this thing, man. It's as quick as the infomercial you've seen says. And the best part is the clean up, because you don't have a large blender or anything to mess with. You can just leave all the stuff out and use it all day. This may sound like I'm part of the infomercial, but I'm just writing because I'm surprised at just how much play the Bullet gets. There are drawbacks, however. It only has one speed: Deadly. If you've ever pulverized a small animal or thought about it, this machine should be ideal for you. Making salsa in the Bullet requires just a few presses and maybe a few shakes... any more than that renders an orange liquid that would pass as baby food. The key is not to buy this sucker over the phone as the infomercial suggests, but rather, to get it on eBay for like $13 bucks or so. That's what I did. Appliance Grade = A 
Unfortunately, the beer doesn't come with the Bullet. I'm sure you could blend it with the Bullet. OIL, BOMBS AND CRABSWell, they always said the Third World War would start in the Middle East. Now seems to be a great time, huh? We've already got a mess in Iraq, a bunch of militants and other radicalists pissed off like a hive of bees at the West. There's talk of Israel jumping the gun to diffuse any threat that Iran may pose, given that Iran's leader did make mention of wiping Israel of the face of the map ... and can you blame them, considering that the Iran Nuclear Program has been the biggest story in the news for about a month now. Pity that the majority of Iran's wonderful people and even those who have modern views (not necessarily Western, but not fundamentalist either) are going to be caught in the middle. We have a situation now where oil is back over $70 per barrel, and that's going to make gas/energy/transportation/production prices for us go absolutely nuts again. The chain reaction of inflation will be seen across the board if these prices maintain this time. In lieu of this, I see our military staying over in the Middle East even longer, us spending even more money for military purposes and then us crashing back home with no way to simply pay off the national debt (over 8 trillion in debt, with no way of really paying it off since we keep spending on EVERYTHING). China is going to need more and more oil everyday, and when will I be able to put corn in my car? What if this is all supposed to happen? Weird stuff, man. All that being said, Auburn Football will be here in a few months, though I don't know if I'll be able to afford gas. And this lady loves to cook crabs for me on the weekends. 
Any chance of us all just having one big cookout to settle international differences of culture and religion and so on? I doubt it, but it would sure be sweet. I wonder if buffalo wings could fix things between us. BUSTED BY GOOGLEI haven't updated my site for a while, because I've been kind of unmotivated. I've been unmotivated, because I received an email from Google a week and a half ago that I was going to be kicked out of their index for 30 days because I had been using methods that didn't live up to Google's webmaster standards. Basically, what had happened is when I built this site, I had a set of three sentences that were specifically worded to associate with other words on this site so that when search engine robots come by to index the site I would come up higher for specific sets of terms (mainly referring to Auburn football). These sentences were position off the page, so as not to mess up the layout of the site. I wanted to see how this would effect my search engine rankings, but never got around to it, as I was busted not long after making the site live. I personally believe it was someone turning me in... maybe a Bama fan, seeing as how the site was number one when you searched for "Bama Sucks". Then again, I would be surprised if any Alabama fans would even know what to look for considering that the concept of using a mouse is still a steep learning curve for the average modern bammer. Just kidding, everyone. Not really. I've been in kind of denial, not wanting to monitor the progress of the reinclusion request I submitted right after I got the email and fixed the problem. I think it's kind of the same as avoiding going to the mailbox to get the mail for a couple of days when you know something crappy is coming. If I don't check Google, then maybe this problem never occurred. Oh well, at least I'm not using my site for revenue, but it still sucks to know that there are times where you might want legitimate alternate text on a site that isn't displayed on a site until some function or something calls it. Without manual confirmation, Google's minions would not know that my hidden div wasn't legit. So, to the person who took time to turn me in, or to the person who wrote the program that is able to detect the terrible travesty that was performed by a webmaster who knows better ... touché. 
Naughty Naughty I Am Engaged
Audrey and I before a party last summer Mobile, AL (EV) -- Incase you haven't heard by now, I am engaged to a beautiful, wonderful, and very fun person... a one Ms. Audrey Clark: soon to be Mrs. Audrey Elaine Veren. We have been together for almost a year now, growing extrememly close, while being a dual-badass threat in Mobile and Daphne. We got engaged during the day, Wednesday, March 15... which also happened to be her birthday. It wasn't actually planned that way, but the ring was late in coming and it arrived that day, and I couldn't wait. For those of you who haven't met her, she has a hilarious sense of humor and is finishing up school in Special Education at South Alabama, which is probably why we're together. You see, my mother is a special ed. teacher, her mother is a special ed. teacher, and now Audrey is going to be a special ed. teacher. With this unstoppable tri-fecta, I will effectively be kept-in-line for the remainder of my days. As all couples in love do, you grow in many ways through your journey with one another. I'm pretty sure ours started somewhere near the River of Audrey. If you would like to visit this "Holy Land", please do not hesitate to contact one of us, and we will be more than happy to give you a tour this summer (since that's where we'll probably be anyway).
Audrey Malaudrey Graduates Big Time I'm pretty sure that guy behind us is whistling through his nose. Mobile, AL (EV) -- Straight out of Mobile, Alabama comes your next special education teacher... the only one who graduated from the University of South Alabama this past semester. Our families finally got to meet, as everyone came in town to see the young dame gradute. It was quite smashing. If you are in need of special ed services please contact us, and Audrey will come to your house for an in-home session. Right now, I'm in the middle of watching a "Premier Event" on ABC that deals with the Bird Flu. It's pretty lame. I hate it. A Tribute to a Dumb, Yet Delightful Fish Mr. Spencer's maimed and dead body following extraction from the tank. Although the site was gruesome, fellow tankmates, Mr. Montgomery, Gustav and Sucky Suckfish say they will move on as planned and try to not let this ruin their week. Mobile, AL (EV) -- The purpose of purchasing fish is to recreate some semblance of the wild in your house, a chance to have your own little biosphere working in your living room. A chance to gather your senses and relax to the soothing sounds of trickling water or to watch a world that seems to float free of time and care of the daily stresses that we are confronted with. What it's not supposed to do is invoke fear and the sense of death. My apartment was gripped with the hands of death tonight as my latest Wal-Mart fish bit the dust. Mr. Spencer was purchased becuase he brought something different to my tank... something the other fish didn't... orange. However, he gave up. He couldn't take it anymore and cast himself at the awesome force of my filter's intake tube. What an idiot. Now he's dead. I will forget him shortly, but the next few days will be hard. Pray for us all. How to Cook a Dachshund Mobile, AL (EV) -- Unlinke the title reads, this is really supposed to be How to Cook For a Dachshund. The truth is that dachshunds, and probably other dogs too, love to eat food from the microwave. So here's how it's done: Buy a can of that Alpo Gravy n' Chunks, or whatever it's called and put it in the microwave for about 25 seconds or so. Allow the dachshund to watch the food go in the microwave and let it sniff the impending fancy feast. The shear odor of this meal will cause the weinered animal to go absolutely nuts. Even better, is acting like you're going to eat the food, but not atually doing it, because you don't have to. (You don't have to because you are not a dachshund, and if you were, you wouldn't be able to get to the microwave... extremely short arms.) Anyway, this brings me to my main concern, and that's how to really cook a dachshund. The sweetest part about this all, is that the same microwave you used to cook the dachshund's meal, you can also use to cook the actual dachshund itself. Trust me, it will fit (please observe to the right). Since I probably won't be trying this, you'll have to figure out which power level is best, and I would recommend marinating or brining the dachshund first. |
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Eric Veren
